There was a point in my life when I thought feeling pain was the worst thing in the entire world. I thought tears were a waste of energy and that discomfort was a sign of weakness.
There was a time during my high school days when I was with a boy that I thought I was going to marry. We had been together for almost two years. It was my first true love and I will never forget it.
Then, out of nowhere, he just left.
I remember when it happened, I will never forget feeling that kind of pain. I remember running downstairs to my mom in the middle of the night, shaking and hyperventilating, begging her to give me medicine to make the pain go away. My heart physically hurt, my chest ached, and I felt like my lungs were caving in.
However, at this point in my life, the pain felt like the world was ending. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I had never felt such immense tremble and discomfort. I thought the pain would consume me entirely. And you know what? It did, for the longest time.
I embrace it.
Here’s a piece I wrote to put it into words:
What are the purpose of memories?
What are they supposed to make us feel?
A memory can tickle your heart as a familiar song plays.
Just the tune of the song can send your mind into the depths of another time.
A memory can pour water into the crescents of your eyes as you walk down an empty street.
The vast openness invites thoughts to come and visit, sometimes without permission.
I believe that often when a difficult memory arises, we push it away.
We swat it away like an annoying fly.
It’s as if we’re saying, “Go away. I don’t need you.”
But, have you ever stopped to wonder if that is actually true?
Don’t worry, I used to believe that way, too.
I was convinced that memories that brought pain were destructive.
I thought they only brought harm and shatter.
But, I was wrong.
If we were to imagine our thoughts as the sun and he moon,
We can say the sun represents the ‘good’ and the moon represents the ‘bad’.
The memories that bring us warmth are the bright beams from the sun.
They give you that double beat in your heart for no reason at all sometimes.
The uncomfortable memories that make us feel dismantled and broken,
The memories that feel like darkness has entirely engulfed us,
The moon may make you feel cold and alone,
Left with only this discomfort flooding your mind.
However, this is not how it should be seen.
Have you ever thought about how the moon lets the sun shine so brightly?
And, how at night, the moon has such a deep glow?
That’s the sun helping the moon shine.
The moon can’t glisten in its beauty without the sun right behind in the distance.
Rather than being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ memories,
It is rather about seeing how, together, they create something magnificent.
Those moments when your head is full of clutter, remember the moon.
Remember how that right behind the moon is the sun, helping it shimmer amongst the dark.
Your bad memories give you just as much strength and beauty as the sun.
Rather than feeling alone, remember that your sun is still right there with you, helping you.
Let your moon light the night,
Let the tears fill your eyes and run down,
But never forget the sun.
Waiting, because she knows you’ll let her shine, too.
Memories are memories.
Pain and laughter both make us glow.
You are the sun.
You are the moon.
It took me a while to realize that pain does not mean danger. Pain can sometimes be a mask for fear. If that’s that case, what are you afraid of? Ask yourself, kindly.
For me? I was afraid of who I was without him. I didn’t even know who I was. I realized that I needed to go on a journey to find myself. I needed to set roots in my personality and what I believed in. I needed to focus on other aspects of my life, all that I was so afraid of because it felt as though half of me was taken.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that your sun is right behind you.
The sun is helping you glow amongst all this.
Let the pain take over into every cell of your body and realize that in that moment, that is what you need.
You will let the sun shine when it is time,
Until then, let your inner moon glow through the night.
Teele Männik is an aspiring yogi and writer who decided to move 5,000 miles across the ocean back to her roots to study English Language and Literature. Teele wants to connect us more to ourselves and our spirit and is here to show others that they are not alone in what they feel.