Today we’re chatting with our lovely friend Melissa Ambrosini – the best selling author of Mastering Your Mean Girl, speaker, entrepreneur, wellness and essential oils guru! Mel has just released her amazing second book: Open Wide – and it is INCREDIBLE!!
Open Wide is a radically real, in-depth and practical guide to deep love, rocking relationships and soulful sex. In this chat with Mel, we go DEEP! So, put on the kettle, make yourself a cuppa, sit back and enjoy reading all of the nuggets of wisdom from this wise woman and scroll down to the bottom to find info and links on where to get your hands on a copy of Open Wide. Without further hesitation, here is our chat…
Who is Open Wide for?
Anyone who wants to experience deep love, rocking relationships and soulful sex. I guess that’s everyone 😉
When you submerged in the writing process, what was a typical day like for you?
I would get up and do my morning routine. Then sit my butt down at my computer from 9-12:30pm and I would not get up unless I needed to go to the bathroom. Some days I would write thousands of words and some hundreds but all that mattered was that I showed up every single day.
What are your health ‘non – negotiables’?
Eating organic food. Drinking clean filtered water. Getting good quality sleep and going to bed earlier. Moving my body every day. Daily meditation. Daily time in nature.
How does mindfulness affect relationships (with yourself / significant other / family / friends)?
Being mindful is about being present with what is in front of you and this is the key to happiness and fulfilment. So being mindful in our relationships with ourselves and others is imperative if we want to feel content within. When we are not present and not in the here and now, worrying about what happened in the past or stressing over the future that’s when suffering occurs.
What does OPEN WIDE mean?
Open Wide means to choose love. In every moment you are either open or you are closed. You are choosing love or you are choosing fear, and the best part is that you get to choose whether you are open or closed choosing love or fear.
And how can you encourage others to open wide?
The only way we can encourage or inspire anyone else including our partner is to be the example. You can’t fix, change or improve anyone else. All we can do is be the example of openness and love always in ALL WAYS.
Your best tip for connecting to yourself?
Meditation! Sitting in stillness with yourself is the best way to go inward and connect with your beautiful self. This is where the magic happens. This is where you can hear the messages from your higher self. And the beautiful thing is the more you meditate the stronger you get at being able to hear and listen to your intuition.
Why do rocking relationships come down to self love?
Because our relationships are our biggest mirror they are our biggest reflection and what we feel on the inside you manifest on the outside. So if you want rocking relationships you have to start by having a rocking relationship with your beautiful self first.
What has been your biggest relationship ‘AHA’ moment?
That you can’t fix, change or improve anyone else. To inspire anyone all you can do is be the example. That’s it!
What does personal development mean to you?
It means I am a student for life and that I am continuously growing, learning and evolving because that’s why we are here on earth.
Your tips for taking your relationship to the next level?
If you want a plant to grow, you have to water it. You have to tend to it, pull out any weeds that you’ve allowed to grow, nourish the soil, give it the right amount of sunlight, protect it from the harsh winds, and give it love and energy every single day. Otherwise it will die. Similarly, if you want to master the piano or learn how to speak French, the more time and energy you invest into practice, the better you will get. Both these principles apply for your relationships too. The more love, time and energy you invest in them, and the more consistent your efforts, the more your relationships will grow, open wider, go deeper and to the next level.
You get what you invest, you reap what you sow.
Nick and I are both aware that we can never rest on our laurels (so to speak) when it comes to our relationship. Just because things are good now, doesn’t mean we can ignore our relationship and coast along in complacency. Instead, we work on it now, while the sun is shining — nourishing it, strengthening it, and cherishing it. Both of us want to continue to grow, support each other’s evolution, and be of service to the relationship and each other. And we both fully believe that when we serve the other, we serve ourselves.
If you want to serve your partner — and be an epic, wholehearted lover and take your love to the next level— here are some of my top ‘lessons learned’ to evolve and strengthen your relationship…
Be a team player.
The two of you are a team. And you are on the same side, not opposing sides. (I think sometimes we forget this.) That means there is no point keeping score (i.e. ‘I took the rubbish out, so I get to put my feet up.’ Or, ‘I picked up the kids, so I get to go to yoga.’) Bitter tally-keeping will not do either of you any good. You’re on the same team, so help each other out! If Nick is full with work, I will do school drop-off and pick-up, and vice versa. You are there to help and support each other, not tear each other down.
Take interest in their passions and work. Ask how you can help and if there is anything you can do to support them furthering their dreams. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to like football, wear the jersey of his favourite team, down beers and scoff Doritos. Simply listening (with both ears) to your partner talk about how much he loves football and how his favourite team just won the grand final can really make their day.
Us humans want to be heard all the time. So it’s imperative that we practice consciously listening to our partners — without interrupting and without simply waiting until it’s our turn to talk. It’s challenging because we all have opinions and we want to give them, but when your partner walks in the door, open your arms and just listen and let them express themselves. Once you can feel they are finished, then you can speak.
Pray for their health and happiness.
At the end of my meditations, I pray for Nick’s health and happiness. I pray he feels inner joy, peace and happiness and I send him love.
Why do we need to prioritise relationships?
Like I mentioned above because if you want your relationship to be deep it needs love, care, energy and attention.
Why is communication imperative and what is your top tip for communicating in the right way?
The only time Nick and I ever argue, have words or a disagreement is when one of us has failed to practice Crystal Clear Communication (CCC). I may have expected (there’s that word again!) him to do something or know I wanted helped with X. But if I didn’t communicate that clearly with him, how the heck was he supposed to know?! You see, us ladies often think our men can read our minds, BUT THEY CAN’T, SISTA! And the sooner we realise that the better. In fact this goes for all our relationships — we can’t read each other’s mind! It’s a straight-up fact that many of us need to be reminded of (me included). That’s why practicing CCC is imperative and the best tool you can have in your relationship tool kit.
What is Crystal Clear Communication?
Most people don’t practice CCC. Instead, their communication can be vague, fear based, unclear and wishy washy. They’re not fully present, not speaking from their heart and not fully listening with both ears, resulting in unclear outcomes. CCC on the other hand, is about creating a heart connection whilst communicating. It’s about speaking only from your heart (not your head), being fully present with the person in front of you, and listening with both ears (not just one ear, whilst you wait impatiently to give your two cents’ worth on the topic at hand). It’s about speaking your truth openly, honestly and crystal clearly.
When you practice CCC you reach the other person’s heart; when you speak from your head you reach their head.
There have been many times when I have caught myself mid-conversation with Nick, not practicing CCC. In those instances, I will say to him, ‘Honey, we aren’t practicing CCC right now. I am going to go for a walk and when we can both practice CCC let’s come back together and talk.’ And he does the same to me.
Like everything else, awareness is KEY for any internal shift, because once you are aware of something you can then pivot.
Your best advice for manifesting / attracting soulmates?
You can’t even think about calling in your soulmate until you are bursting with love within yourself first. This is paramount! Once you feel overflowing with love within yourself, then you are ready to call them in. This doesn’t mean that you will always feel 100 per cent bursting with love (heck, there are definitely days I don’t) but you will have the awareness to take the steps to fill yourself back up.
Follow these ‘Soulmate Steps’ to call in your love.
Make sure you have done the work on yourself first. Make sure you are overflowing with love and you aren’t carrying around any old, limiting Mean Girl baggage that is no longer serving you. Make sure your energy is clear and strong.
Write down a list of how you want to feel when you are in the presence of your love. For example, on my list before I met Nick, I wrote that I wanted to feel deeply connected, heard, safe, light, joyful, present, overflowing with love and like a queen.
Write down the core values you desire in your love. Be specific, for example, ‘I desire him to value the importance of health and wellness, I would like him to have a keen interest in movement, cooking, and healthy living. I also desire him to have an interest in meditation and wanting to be the best version of himself. I desire him to believe X about money and Y about parenting. I would love him to be in a job that lights him up and inspires him and that has him jumping out of bed each morning to do.’ (Revisit these desires as you grow and adjust them as necessary. And remember, it’s okay to change your mind.)
Ask for your most compatible soulmate. Things won’t always be romance and roses, so ask for someone who is keen and willing to go on the ride with you, so you can both support each other to unlock your full potential.
Meditate on it. Once you have your list in front of you, actually cultivate the feeling state of how it feels to already have that person in your life right now. Act ‘as if’. Really feel, in your bones, what it feels like to already have them in your life.
Now let’s take it to the next level. Whilst you are still in your meditative state, start to feel deeply grateful for already having that person in your life. Keep feeling it. Don’t stop. Keep going. Gratitude for the win, baby!
Then surrender it over to the Universe, get out of the way, and trust that everything is unfolding as it should.
Perform this ritual daily for 30 days and make a note each day of how you feel. It will help you get crystal clear on what you truly desire so that when it manifests you will know.
How do you navigate being effected by expectations in relationships?
I like to remind myself that expectations ruin relationships and if you find your partner is placing expectations on you, look in the mirror because you are most likely placing them on them and yourself too. So let go of the expectations you place on yourself and others and instead allow the other person to show up just as they are. That doesn’t mean you can’t practice CCC and share with them your desires about something but what it does mean is you take off the white knuckle grip you have over someone else doing something YOUR way. It’s much nicer when we can let go of our expectations.
Best tips for rocking relationships: both brand newbies and long term ones?
Practice CCC. It’s key!
How do you grow together in a relationship?
There are three entities in your partnership, there is you, your partner and you as a couple. And you need to both be willing to take responsibility and to do the inner work on yourselves first and then to work on your relationships as a couple. No one is going to work on your relationship for you, you have to both show up and be willing to grow and evolve individually and as a couple.
What is soulful sex?
There are two types of sex, junk food sex and soulful sex. Soulful sex is about deep connection, it’s about being Open Wide, honest, authentic and truthful in the moment. It’s heart opening and expansive and is a beautiful opportunity for growth within yourself and with your lover.
Why do you think there is such a taboo or secretive connotation around sex?
It’s crazy huh because it’s something we all do and the way in which we were all created yet not many people openly talk about it. But it actually doesn’t matter why it’s taboo, what matters is that we start talking about it and having this dialogue now. Which we are 😉
Tips for reconnecting with your body and engaging in soulful sex?
Getting over your body shame is a massive step on the path to deep love and soulful sex. Each of our bodies is so beautifully unique and different, and just like with everything, we mustn’t compare ourselves to anyone else, or listen to any criticism that comes our way. Treat your body like a masterpiece. Love it and stop shaming it, once and for all. And know that if you want a man to love your body, YOU must be head over heels in love with it first!
Here’s how you get started…
I began with baby steps. I would get out of the shower and instead of putting clothes on straight away, I would give myself a full body coconut oil massage and do my hair and makeup nude, then I would get dressed.
At night I started sleeping in underwear, then slowly with no top and then no undies.
But the most powerful exercise I did was mirror work. I got naked, stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. Sounds weird, but it’s super powerful. At the start, I could only stand there for five second before the tears started to stream. But even though this was hard, I made a commitment to myself that I would do this every day until I could stand there for five minutes without letting my Mean Girl say one nasty thing about myself. Every time my Mean Girl went to say something nasty, I would reset my timer until I got all the way through five minutes with no negative Mean Girl thoughts.
It took me weeks to get past one minute. But I persisted and every day I showed up, looked in the mirror, and did the work.
After a few months, I decided to up the ante. Whilst in front of the mirror, I would give myself a full body massage and repeat affirmations such as…
I love you.
You are amazing.
I love you legs. I love you toes. I love you thighs.
This is something I still practice daily. And although there are times where it feels more challenging than others, being naked to me now represents being content in my own skin. It’s a declaration that I am comfortable, open, and willing to be my true full self and to allow others in. It allows me to Open Wide to myself and others.
What does the term ‘soulmate’ mean to you?
Your soul mate, twin flame, your lover, your one (whatever you want to call it) is whoever YOU declare it do be and if you want to give that title to John one day and Bob the next that’s totally up to you. And if you want to have 5 soul mates in your life again that’s totally up to you. How cool is that!
Your best tips for finding your tribe?
Hang out where they hang out in person and online. Go where they are and be brave, master your Mean Girl and introduce yourself to one person. This is how you find your tribe and once you find them love them hard and treat them the way you want to be treated.
How do you navigate relationships with family members: either when they’re difficult or you are significantly different from them… but they are family?
All you can do to inspire anyone is to be the example. You can’t fix, change or improve anyone else. So we must accept them wholeheartedly and unconditionally and love them up. Let go of trying to fix, change or improve them and be the example yourself. That’s all you can ever do.
Your best piece of relationship advice?
Practice CCC with everyone!
What does feminine energy mean to you and how can we reconnect with it?
One of the most fundamental aspects or ‘rules’ of the relationship game (with ALL your relationships) is to understand masculine and feminine energy and the harmonious polarity between them. But with so much of our time spent not here in the present, it’s become incredibly difficult for the average person to grasp the true essence and beauty of both types of energy. This, in turn, exacerbates the problem, and they get stuck in their third dimensional thinking — telling themselves old limiting fear-based stories, succumbing to expectations, and not seeing the truth that’s right in front of them: that both masculine and feminine energies are sacred, divine and totally necessary.
When I refer to ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ energy, I am not referring to male and female. We ALL possess both energies — regardless of your gender. And every relationship possesses both energies too — sometimes one party might take on a more masculine role, sometimes the more feminine role, and it might flip backwards and forwards, depending on the situation. (Again, this is nothing to do with your gender or sexuality — even within a same-sex partnership there are masculine and feminine energies, and they’re present in platonic relationships as well as romantic ones.)
Understanding how to rebalance and dance between these two types of opposing-but-synchronous energies will transform so many different parts of your life — from how you show up in your work, to how you feel in the bedroom, to how you live out your relationships, to everything in between. When you truly ‘get it’, on a deep level, it feels like you’ve got the keys to the Universe in your hands. Really? Life can actually be this simple? And this fulfilling? Who knew?!
One of the most powerful ways to reconnect with your divine feminine energy is by consciously embodying one of her archetypes.
What’s an archetype?
Great question. Essentially, it’s an idea, theme or motif that is so deeply embedded in our collective psyche that we all relate to it without even thinking. These universal themes are so powerful, they transcend time, culture, sex, everything. If you’ve ever read a fairy tale and encountered a ‘gallant knight’ or a ‘wicked witch’ or a ‘damsel in distress’, then you’ve experienced the power of an archetype before — instinctively, we know the essence of those characters, without even being told. (Though it must be said, many of the feminine archetypes in fairy tales aren’t exactly empowering!)
Thankfully, there are plenty of archetypes that are empowering to the divine feminine. By figuratively ‘stepping into the shoes’ of these different figures, you can start experiencing and strengthening different aspects of your feminine self and observing how the different character traits feel in your body. Though there are many archetypes present in the psyche, the following six are my favorite. The Warrioress Archetype, The Lover Archetype, The Goddess Archetype, The Queen/Mother Archetype, The Wise Woman Archetype, The Priestess Archetype. You can read more about these in Open Wide.
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