Living with Anxiety is tough, especially when you live your life around people who don’t understand what you are going through. So I am here today to share an insider view of what someone with anxiety deals with.
I have suffered with severe anxiety and panic disorder for a year and a half now, I am on medication for it because I couldn’t function anymore in my everyday life. Going to work was now hard, just going to the same supermarket I always go to was hard, Leaving the house was hard, everything in life was just well hard. My doctor was trying so hard to not have me on medication but I just couldn’t do it anymore, having panic attacks from the moment you wake up to when your head hits the pillow. I wasn’t me anymore. The confident carefree bubbly girl was just gone. I miss her.
So I broke down in front of my Dr and told him to please help me. He put me on my medication and for the first month every side effect was hitting me like a truck and I was very zombie like. Then the month passed and I was functioning again, I could go to the shops and work etc.
Then I lost my job, twice. I guess because I now had a mental illness I wasn’t good enough to work where I had been for five plus years anymore or the new place.
But I found an amazing job and getting back into routine again was it a task and a half. I started eating healthier, I starting getting back into my workouts, and socialising again and I loved it. I missed it. I never knew how much I missed working until I was back on the horse. I have been at this job now for over six months and am now full time.
Now I am not saying I am healed. Oh no but definitely have improved with all these obstacles thrown in my path. I have learnt so much in how I think and am constantly still paranoid that I will be fired again. I feel like people don’t care enough about mental illness, and we try to work and socialise and do everything you guys do, we just sometimes need to rest longer than most. We will have our off days where we need to just relax and rejuvenate. Well everyone normally does but instead of pushing through it our bodies and mind are just like nope no can do. The faulty switch turns on, the sirens screen and the shutdown commences.
I want people to really understand how we think, feel, or what goes on through our minds it’s like a hurricane coming in all at once.
First you will feel safe and happy, sunshine. You’re just being and enjoying life but then in a heartbeat everything turns dark, the storm clouds rush in. There is too much noise like everyone has just turned on every single frequency on their radios all at once. It’s cold and windy, dark and wet. You can’t think straight or even think at all. All of a sudden there are alert bells ringing as if a nasty tornadoes about to burst through. You look around for your safe haven, your sanctuary but you can’t find even a storm shelter. This is your mind why can’t you find safety? Why can’t you feel safe in their?
That’s when you remember to breathe. Slowly. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. Paying attention to every single inch of your body and realising how tense everything is. Releasing each body part from the tension one by one. Still breathing. Repeating to yourself that you are ok. You are not going to die. You can do this because you have done this time and time again yet every time it still feels like the first time.
When you have finally calmed down enough you realise what just happened and what is going on around you. Wow you just overcame another one and you did it quicker then the last time. That is what we call progress and what one step at a time means to us.
I have come so far in my journey and have a long while ahead of me, and I am sure there will be plenty of obstacles and corners in my way but that is how we overcome and get stronger.
It might suck right now but one day you will look back and see how far you’ve come and in itself is an amazing achievement. Be proud of who you are regardless of what illness you may have because the battle we fight each and everyday just to get out of bed in the morning is a tough one but we are so much stronger for it. Love who you are, Live life to its fullest. You want to look back on your life and be happy, not with regret.
I know I want to not waste my life worrying about my anxiety, I believe we bring a lot of the problems on our selves by fearing having a panic attack. Your mind is a complicated part of your body but we can retrain. Join me in taking that next step and just live our life how it’s meant to be lived. It will be hard but I believe we can!!!
Until Next Time
Becky Johnson has been on a journey of her mind, body and spirit since being diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder a year and a half ago. Yoga, Healthier eating and writing has helped her live her life again. Becky wants you to join her on this journey!